I said in no uncertain terms, my life had been irreparably damaged (“fucked up” is what I actually said) after I gave up my child; that some people have compared what happens to us to post-traumatic stress disorder (and let’s not go into that discussion all over again, please), that my life was never the same, that buckets of tears over the years followed this decision, that I never forgot and that giving up a child is a continuing source of sorrow, it is not like burying a child (which as some of you know, I have also done), and I explained why. The sorrow is great, but there is an ending to it; adoption grief continues like a song fragment in your mind that plays over and over again.
via Birth Mother, First Mother Forum: Telling a Stranger What It’s Like to be a Birth Mother.
It can be really hard to “come out” as a birth mother to new people. You never know how they will react. It comes up, though, in all sorts of weird situations. People ask often if Becca is my only child. There’s no way to answer that without it becoming weird. Sometimes I just say I have an older son, but sometimes saying I have another child brings questions that make it become the weird thing, like how old is he and where is he, blah blah. When asked, I never don’t say that I have another child, but I do sometimes try to keep it simple because I don’t want to talk about it with any old person. Sometimes if I get a good vibe, I might say I have a grown son who was adopted at birth and that we are now several years into “reunion,” but eh, it’s still more complicated than any simple answer. And it’s just a lot of personal crap to dump into a casual conversation that starts with, “is she your only child?” Forget about the difficulty in trying to explain that no, no I don’t have a rosy view of adoption, not in the least.
July 29th, 2010 on 5:44 pm
I am facing this, sort off. I’ve been VERY open about being a birth mother – its been a part of my personal and professional life for so long.
But now I’m changing jobs – I’ll no longer work where being connected to adoption is sort of ‘understood’ or at least not “Lifetime TV-ized”
I am scared to death about my openness – which is everywhere online – making things more difficult at my new job.
So complicated.
July 30th, 2010 on 9:50 am
*nod nod* It can be awkward for me just in my regular mom life, I can imagine how much more complex it is to deal with it in your professional life as well.
July 30th, 2010 on 6:31 am
I keep thinking of a Dr. Suess-ism:
Those that matter don’t mind and those that mind don’t matter.
But some people are nosy – they want to know every juicy little detail (trust me on this – every freaking family gathering there’s one or two relatives that come and sit down by me and want to know EVERYTHING. Especially the stuff I don’t want to share.
Those are just rude people and I don’t think you have to worry about rude people. You’re too cool for them ;p
Sorry if I’m not making sense. I had pancakes with WAY too much syrup and I’m on a bit of a sugar rush at the moment. -_^
July 30th, 2010 on 10:00 am
*snort* Did you have some coffee with that sugar? That’s the best, when you get a sugar rush AND a caffeine high ;)
I don’t really give a crap what most people think, not exactly, it’s just irritating and exhausting, sometimes, facing the multitudes with their screwed up ideas about what it’s like to be a birthmother, or their happy-fluffy ideals about adoption in general. People often fall into two categories, at least in my experience, either putting birthmothers on a pedastal a la “noble gift-givers” or down in the gutter as sluts who abandoned our babies. Sometimes both, at the same time, which is fun.
July 30th, 2010 on 7:57 am
Yup and Yup to Brandy. Going through exact same personal issues related to work. In fact, have been paranoid that I have NOT gotten jobs because my online persona was discovered. Since I work in new media/web I feel I must list my web presences/URLs on my resume. If prospective employers are checking, what are they thinking? Is it influencing their decision to make me an offer?
As for telling people..ugh. I don’t deny it anymore (like you, I found creative ways of answers that were not denying her but did not acknowledged her either). Oddly, her denying me has made my life a bit easier in that regard – in that she doesn’t want to be known or acknowledged.
July 30th, 2010 on 9:53 am
Before my reunion, I just denied him to pretty much anyone that wasn’t going to be a regular in my life and even then I sometimes did anyway. I’ve always been open about adoption on my various incarnations of my blog, though. Some days I think it would just be easier to deny him in casual conversations. But it’s impossible now anyway, with my 9 yo daughter usually standing there ready to correct me :)
Some days, it’s just exhausting, living with adoption in my life.
August 3rd, 2010 on 7:33 am
Thanks for sharing this. I have had several conversations with my son’s birth mom about this. She said the response she most often gets is “Why would you DO that?” Mostly judgment, very little empathy. It must be very painful.
August 3rd, 2010 on 12:11 pm
*nod nod* I think the only reason I don’t get more of that lack of empathy is that I have a warm-fuzzy reunion story to share *smirk*